you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
