I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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