The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The dick lei will go down in squad history
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
