im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Please don't give away my fajitas
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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