And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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