It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
