i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Randomize
