someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
