Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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