i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Oh god it's open bar.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
