2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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