Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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