Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
