So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
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In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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