I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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