Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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