I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
