I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
