worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
