The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
