If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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