I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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