I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.