I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.