I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.