why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
