Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
