Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
