i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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