i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
