Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
