I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
