nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
