How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
