I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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