Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Never joke about your clitoris.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
