how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
someone owes me an orgasm
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
