i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
