You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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