Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
