I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
