someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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