Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
