Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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