you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I wish there were birth control emojis
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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