I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
not ubering you a puppy
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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