Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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