when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
