If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
