Me. At least after what I've been through.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
