garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
