the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
