i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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