Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
