you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
