My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize