i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
