Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
