Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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