I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
